Yuck.

Ugh. This morning I am quite sick. Otherwise, I'm happy. Graduation plans are going well, tomorrow is my last day at work, and today I'm just going to lay around and play Sims and fight off the urge to puke!

I had my doubts about spray-on tanning lotion, but it's great! Way better than the regular stuff. My knees are orange, though. Hopefully I'll have it figured out by the time Jennie's wedding comes around. Just one week till I head up for the rehearsal!

Um. Now that I think about it, maybe I should just concentrate on toning down the orange.

Anyway, this nausea is making me want to die. Time to do something else!

Blah.... blah.... blah. More whining.

I suspect Paris Hilton wrote the script for the Hottie and the Nottie herself. UGH. DON'T WATCH IT!
And the Water Horse is... boring. I was hoping for a lot better.
Prince Caspian, however.... is AMAZING. It's fantastic! It's phenomenal! I was spellbound!

There are a few chick flicks I could just watch over and over and over and never tire of. She's The Man, John Tucker Must Die, and Stick It. And I got to watch Stick It last night. Lexi was happy :-D

I went to a wedding reception this afternoon, and got to catch up with my best friend. It was great :-) We haven't had a good heart-to-heart in quite awhile - the kind of talk where I go away thinking how GOOD it is to have friends, and how amazing it is that we have so much in common, and how well she understands me!

And I got into a good conversation with my mom and sisters about marriage. I personally find it disgusting that people would get married and actually wait more than a year before they decide to have a baby. I know, I know, I'm just naive and I don't unerstand these things very well.
They say, "Oh, WAIT to have a kid until you're married! It will totally take over your life!"
And that's true, of course. But then, to not start a family for awhile because you don't have the money, or the time isn't right, or whatever...
I know maybe 8 couples that are recently engaged or married, and most of them waited, or are waiting, a few years. Out of all of them, one couple has a little boy, and one has been expecting a baby since their first three months of marriage. And the guest of honor, the bride at this wedding reception, wondered if perhaps they'd been pushed it into early by their family. WHAT THE HECK?!

I guess it's every husband and wife's prerogative, but I don't like people telling me that after I've waited years and years for it to be 'okay' for me to have a baby (yes, I look forward to it more than I do nearly anything else. Same with being married in general.), I need to wait a few MORE years 'to get to know my husband', and to 'be prepared financially', and to 'have a good career', and to be 'mature enough'. Yuck!
I know all those things are necessary... but... but... ARGH!

Okay, I'm done now. The green-eyed monster has bitten again, and I need to write about something else. I kinda feel like crying now.
One last thing on that topic - I hate it when friendships become the 'older, more mature, married woman' and the 'young, clueless, silly girl'. Agjdkalfhdlajlfds. That's how I feel about that!

Oh wait. More things keep popping into my head... maybe I'm not done yet.

I know - it's ridiculous to be waning away, wishing for things that aren't (namely, being all grown up with the job I've dreamed of and a great husband and houseful of cute kids - and lots of nieces and nephews!). I ought to be thankful for where I am right now. But... where exactly am I?

I'm busy worrying myself sick about getting through my first year of college, having enough money to get through the next twelve months, hoping my parents make it financially, finding a job I like and a car to drive, and of course - finding a boyfriend ;-)
I'm trying to get through having a graduation and being in a wedding without being unable to eat for a week (can you tell I'm a wimp?), and trying to finish my application for a college that I'm terrified of going to, even though comfort and anti-homesickness-wise, I couldn't do much better.
There's nothing of importance in my life right now. I go out and visit the farm, I come home and sit on the computer, tan on the deck, and read. I talk with my sisters and friends. I play with the puppy. As of late, I go to work a few times a week and come home exhausted from standing around washing dishes and cleaning things and baking and scooping.
Maybe I could make things a whole lot more exciting, but I don't actually know if I want to.

And I'm having a really hard time convincing myself that life isn't going to be THAT much better when (or maybe 'if') someday God gives me that family, that job, and that husband.

I used to laugh at fellow teenagers who cried all the time, who 'struggled' with their future, who worried about even the next month. Not anymore. :-(

AHHHH! Why are all my posts so depressing? I guess I only post when I'm upset and having something to write about it. Well, here, I'll end it on a happy note. I think I'm finally going to get into a routine of eating healthy(er...) and *gasp* exercising. I've been riding my bike a few miles whenever I have a free evening, and running in the mornings when I get a chance. Working almost full-time for the last two weeks has screwed that up, but I'm DONE on Saturday! WOOHOO!

Hm....

Tonight I read For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa Rice. That is one GOOD book... I now understand how, just as girls (especially me!) can have trouble remembering to seek love from God rather than guys, guys can have trouble remembering to seek approval from God rather than girls. I guess this doesn't mean anything life-changing for me, but now I understand guys a little better - and that always makes me happy!

A Case of Enjoyable Insomnia

Last night around 11pm, I decided to have an iced tea packet. But I didn't notice three words on the box - three very important words. 'Enhanced with caffeine'.

So the entire night, I was WIDE awake. Not exhausted but unable to sleep, like caffeine usually makes me, but feeling as though I had just woken up from a great night's sleep! It was a crazy feeling, and I enjoyed it. I read the Last Sin Eater - that was a good book! And I also read Not Even A Hint by Joshua Harris, another great book. I had a very enjoyable early morning, spending an hour or two reading that and telling God about anything it brought to my mind.

It was so very, very encouraging! I do have struggles. But I'm quitting it all, and trusting in God to help me. The thought of being pure and steadfast in every area of my life is so incredibly fascinating! I can hardly imagine it! It sounds so wonderful.

Uffda. All of a sudden my lack of sleep is hitting me... I may have to go to bed after this!

This morning I read Matthew 6. The last section is about worry - I've read it a few times, I suppose, but just glancing over those nice, encouraging verses that say we oughtn't worry, and we need to trust God, and so on. Ha - easier said than done. But I looked a little closer today. Did you know it actually says, "Don't worry about your body?"
I didn't!
It actually says, "Don't worry about what you will wear."
It actually says, "Don't worry about your life."
It actually says, "Don't worry about what you will eat and drink."
These are the EXACT things I worry about! Somehow, it never occurred to me that issues like dieting, finding modest clothes, being 'fit' enough, and just needing to take a CHILL PILL once in awhile are all addressed in the Bible! Ca-raaazy!

The other big thing I worry about is money. And it's looking like God is going to care of things to a far greater extent than I would have guessed! Life is GREAT!

Here is another one of my top favorite songs ever. Seriously. This song is wonderful!

Happy - Ayiesha Woods
No record deal, no dream fulfilled, no three minute video
No catchy jingle, no big hit single playing on the radio
You make me happy
You make me feel the way you do
You make me happy
I wanna make you happy too
No flashy cars, no movie stars, no man, woman, boy or girl
No fancy things, no diamond rings, nothing in the whole wide world
Can make me happy
Can make me feel the way you do
You make me happy
I want to make you happy too
You make me happy
You make me feel the way I do
You make me happy
I wish the whole world knew you too
No I cannot count the ways you have made my life so blessed
All I know is that you came and made beauty of my mess
And you make me happy
You make me feel the way I do
You make me happy
I want to make you happy too

I can't get away from You!

I absolutely love the moments when my shallow little head can comprehend God working around me!
Last week sometime, I was wailing to Him again - I know I ought to treat guys as brothers in Christ, but *Someone* didn't give me brothers, so I don't know where to start. The earliest interactions I can remember with guys (after age 12 or so) were just constant attempts at impressing them with my radiance, confidence and maturity - not!
But this weekend, I got together with a large group of friends, and got stuck with all the guys, more than once. And for the first time ever, I was totally relaxed. I wasn't worried about impressing any particular guy. I was amused, rather than embarrassed, at their attempts of flirting. When they pointed out how shy I was, I didn't stiffen up, panicking as I tried to think of something to say. I just laughed - I honestly just don't care if I'm not talking as much as they'd like! And I think I finally understand what it means to treat a guy as a brother... *phew*!

I've wanted to read "When God Writes Your Love Story" and I finally got the chance to read through most of it yesterday. I absolutely love one analogy Eric Ludy used - sometimes single Christians feel like they can hardly stand being restricted any longer, and they can't take living the pure, single life a minute longer! Just like a captain sailing his ship through those rocks where the Sirens live, who orders his crew to put wax in their ears and tie him to the mast. He's in agony for the entire time they are passing through, screaming to be released. But they pay no mind, and when they are in clear waters again, he is untied and slumps down in exhaustion - and thankfulness. I empathize with everything he said... I've prayed much, and worked so hard to avoid flirting and dating and anything else I might regret. Of course, I know if I decided I was going to try dating, I'd end up in a far worse mess.
But I have this giant chip on my shoulder... I feel like I've spent every last bit of energy trying to be ready to get married, without any unnecessary baggage, and I've been waiting several years now. I suppose someday I'll look back and snicker at my little self, whining about not having a husband at age seventeen. Dumb, huh?
I'm just plain sick of waiting!

(Cue chain of new worries - how could I possibly get married? I'm up to my ears in money commitments, and I don't see them going away anytime soon! and I don't want to be away from my parents! and it would mean so many new things... this is the wimp of all wimps here! The fears never end!)

Okay, I'm done now. One more thought - on my way home, I missed the turn for my block, and ended up driving all over the neighborhood in confusion. At the same time, this song came on the radio. I think it was rather ironic! No matter how confused and lost and freaked out I am, I can never get away from my incredible God!

Can't Get Away - Rush of Fools

I am an arrow, I am a rocket
I am a river and nothing can stop it
Cause You are the target and You are the atmosphere
You are the ocean that keeps pulling me, You're pulling me here
And I, can't get away, can't get away
Can't get away, can't get away
I can't get away, can't get away...I keep running into You
I am a beggar, You are the table
I am so helpless, God, You are so able
And when I get turned around You change my direction
You're so perfect, I'm so broken, here You come with arms wide open
Chasing after me down every road
You're always waiting there
Even when I close my eyes, I can't help but see
There's no place that I can hide, You're such a part of me
I can't get away cause I keep running into You
I can't get away...