Daddy, I'm on my way!

Praying is supposed to be pretty easy, right? You just think in your head, "Dear God, please help me get through this..." or "Jesus, don't let this happen!"
And, I suppose, just sitting and letting God speak to you is praying, too. I'm an introvert, so that isn't too hard for me to do. But today, I was on the road for an hour by myself. So I undertook praying aloud.
It's surprisingly hard! I like to talk, but hearing myself speaking to... an unseen person, of sorts, is just weird!
I think it was good, though. Talking things through, I realized some things about myself.

I'm coming to think that there are three equally important kinds of prayer - kneeling before God, silently speaking to him; writing (or typing, in my case) out your thoughts to him; and actually talking out loud to him!

And it's hard to know what to say, praying in a group. I imagine this will make me more comfortable, know how it sounds when I pray out loud. So I hope I get more chances to do this the rest of this year.

That's how I've been growing lately... and I have a new plan for studying the Bible! I struggle with finding anything that stands out to me when I'm reading the Bible... so I'm going to go through the whole thing and write notes on every verse and story I recognize, and write down everything I've ever been taught. Hopefully it will help me remember things I've forgotten, and notice new things.

I heard Made to Love while I was in the car... this is one of my all-time favorite songs! I want it to apply to my entire life.

The dream is fading; now I'm staring at the door.
I know it's over 'cause my feet have hit the cold floor.
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see... It's no mystery.
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for?
What became of the flame that made me feel more?
And when did I forget...

that I was made to love you, I was made to find you,

I was made just for you, made to adore you,

I was made to love, and be loved by you!
The dream's alive with my eyes open wide,

back in the ring, You got me swingin' for the grand prize.
I feel the haters spittin' vapors on my dreams, but I still believe...
I'm reaching out, reachin' up, reachin' over,
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah...
and Daddy, I'm on my way!

Cuz I was made to love you, I was made to find you,

I was made just for you, made to adore you,

I was made to love, and be loved by you.
Anything I would give up for You
Everything I give it all away...

In the beginning... there was some random speculation.

I'm not really sure how this blog will turn out - but I have lots of questions, and sometimes they answer themselves for me when I write everything out!
I guess I'm just going to get off my chest anything that pops into my head, and hopefully find some answers. (And maybe learn to write about slightly deeper things... I had another blog for two years, and when I suddenly realized that all I ever wrote was shallow paragraph after shallow paragraph, I was so ashamed that I quit writing! So this will be my fresh start.)

This year has been so far one of the hardest of my life. Through December, my self-esteem just kind of disappeared - I'm not sure why. I felt like I was in perpetual PMS, crying incessantly about anything and everything. Things got better in March, and I've been feeling a lot happier all around since!
All I can surmise is that God was trying to bring me closer to Him - I started reading my Bible morning and night, and talking to him more, just because I didn't know what else to do.

It's funny how you can think you're so spiritually mature... and then you go through a hard time, or have a crazy revelation, and look back to realize, "Wow! I was so clueless!"

I could bring this to a close, as my first official post, but I'm liking this too much to stop just yet!

I have so much trouble trusting God with guys and relationships. I need to just chill out and concentrate on getting to know my Savior better, and know that things will work out just the way He wants them to.
I guess all I can do is throw myself into God and working and trying to reach out to people. I'm hoping God will do something with my summer! Maybe I'm crazy, or just wary of going to camp after how tired out I was last summer, but I didn't feel like God wanted me to spend my summer at camp this year. I keep wondering, "How is that possible?! That must be Satan!" but every time I start to think about it, I just do not feel like I'm supposed to be there. I did sign up to to help out in the kitchen one week, but I have this feeling that I ought to leave my summer more open than I usually do - I've been trying to hear God's voice, and I really hope that I'm hearing right!
So I'll just have to wait and see... I'm really excited to see what God is going to do with me this summer, but as the weeks fill up, I wonder how anything will happen!

My sister and I are watching Gilligan's Island right now. I think most of the characters are just ludicrous, but I've noticed something about Mr. and Mrs. Howell, the wealthy, arrogant couple. They are so sweet to each other! Mrs. Howell absolutely adores her husband, and loves it when he does anything masculine (and tells him so), and Mr. Howell thinks his wife is the most beautiful, feminine lady to ever live. They take no notice of each others' flaws - could a married couple live any better?

In closing - it's funny that I haven't noticed this verse before. I was checking out verses having to do with 'purpose' - since that is the blog theme I came up with - and one of the first verses I saw was Psalm 57:2 (I like the ESV best) - "I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me."

That has fit me so perfectly for the past few months, and it's so encouraging... definitely going to be my theme verse for the year! I know that I ought to be memorizing more scripture - I just have trouble finding anything that really hits me. Lame excuse... I know. Well, I'll start with Psalm 57:2 and go from there!

The dryer is calling... and I've just been given one more requirement for graduation. I need to write up a table of the elements. So I'm off!