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I'm not really sure how this blog will turn out - but I have lots of questions, and sometimes they answer themselves for me when I write everything out!
I guess I'm just going to get off my chest anything that pops into my head, and hopefully find some answers. (And maybe learn to write about slightly deeper things... I had another blog for two years, and when I suddenly realized that all I ever wrote was shallow paragraph after shallow paragraph, I was so ashamed that I quit writing! So this will be my fresh start.)
This year has been so far one of the hardest of my life. Through December, my self-esteem just kind of disappeared - I'm not sure why. I felt like I was in perpetual PMS, crying incessantly about anything and everything. Things got better in March, and I've been feeling a lot happier all around since!
All I can surmise is that God was trying to bring me closer to Him - I started reading my Bible morning and night, and talking to him more, just because I didn't know what else to do.
It's funny how you can think you're so spiritually mature... and then you go through a hard time, or have a crazy revelation, and look back to realize, "Wow! I was so clueless!"
I could bring this to a close, as my first official post, but I'm liking this too much to stop just yet!
I have so much trouble trusting God with guys and relationships. I need to just chill out and concentrate on getting to know my Savior better, and know that things will work out just the way He wants them to.
I guess all I can do is throw myself into God and working and trying to reach out to people. I'm hoping God will do something with my summer! Maybe I'm crazy, or just wary of going to camp after how tired out I was last summer, but I didn't feel like God wanted me to spend my summer at camp this year. I keep wondering, "How is that possible?! That must be Satan!" but every time I start to think about it, I just do not feel like I'm supposed to be there. I did sign up to to help out in the kitchen one week, but I have this feeling that I ought to leave my summer more open than I usually do - I've been trying to hear God's voice, and I really hope that I'm hearing right!
So I'll just have to wait and see... I'm really excited to see what God is going to do with me this summer, but as the weeks fill up, I wonder how anything will happen!
My sister and I are watching Gilligan's Island right now. I think most of the characters are just ludicrous, but I've noticed something about Mr. and Mrs. Howell, the wealthy, arrogant couple. They are so sweet to each other! Mrs. Howell absolutely adores her husband, and loves it when he does anything masculine (and tells him so), and Mr. Howell thinks his wife is the most beautiful, feminine lady to ever live. They take no notice of each others' flaws - could a married couple live any better?
In closing - it's funny that I haven't noticed this verse before. I was checking out verses having to do with 'purpose' - since that is the blog theme I came up with - and one of the first verses I saw was Psalm 57:2 (I like the ESV best) - "I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me."
That has fit me so perfectly for the past few months, and it's so encouraging... definitely going to be my theme verse for the year! I know that I ought to be memorizing more scripture - I just have trouble finding anything that really hits me. Lame excuse... I know. Well, I'll start with Psalm 57:2 and go from there!
The dryer is calling... and I've just been given one more requirement for graduation. I need to write up a table of the elements. So I'm off!
I guess I'm just going to get off my chest anything that pops into my head, and hopefully find some answers. (And maybe learn to write about slightly deeper things... I had another blog for two years, and when I suddenly realized that all I ever wrote was shallow paragraph after shallow paragraph, I was so ashamed that I quit writing! So this will be my fresh start.)
This year has been so far one of the hardest of my life. Through December, my self-esteem just kind of disappeared - I'm not sure why. I felt like I was in perpetual PMS, crying incessantly about anything and everything. Things got better in March, and I've been feeling a lot happier all around since!
All I can surmise is that God was trying to bring me closer to Him - I started reading my Bible morning and night, and talking to him more, just because I didn't know what else to do.
It's funny how you can think you're so spiritually mature... and then you go through a hard time, or have a crazy revelation, and look back to realize, "Wow! I was so clueless!"
I could bring this to a close, as my first official post, but I'm liking this too much to stop just yet!
I have so much trouble trusting God with guys and relationships. I need to just chill out and concentrate on getting to know my Savior better, and know that things will work out just the way He wants them to.
I guess all I can do is throw myself into God and working and trying to reach out to people. I'm hoping God will do something with my summer! Maybe I'm crazy, or just wary of going to camp after how tired out I was last summer, but I didn't feel like God wanted me to spend my summer at camp this year. I keep wondering, "How is that possible?! That must be Satan!" but every time I start to think about it, I just do not feel like I'm supposed to be there. I did sign up to to help out in the kitchen one week, but I have this feeling that I ought to leave my summer more open than I usually do - I've been trying to hear God's voice, and I really hope that I'm hearing right!
So I'll just have to wait and see... I'm really excited to see what God is going to do with me this summer, but as the weeks fill up, I wonder how anything will happen!
My sister and I are watching Gilligan's Island right now. I think most of the characters are just ludicrous, but I've noticed something about Mr. and Mrs. Howell, the wealthy, arrogant couple. They are so sweet to each other! Mrs. Howell absolutely adores her husband, and loves it when he does anything masculine (and tells him so), and Mr. Howell thinks his wife is the most beautiful, feminine lady to ever live. They take no notice of each others' flaws - could a married couple live any better?
In closing - it's funny that I haven't noticed this verse before. I was checking out verses having to do with 'purpose' - since that is the blog theme I came up with - and one of the first verses I saw was Psalm 57:2 (I like the ESV best) - "I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me."
That has fit me so perfectly for the past few months, and it's so encouraging... definitely going to be my theme verse for the year! I know that I ought to be memorizing more scripture - I just have trouble finding anything that really hits me. Lame excuse... I know. Well, I'll start with Psalm 57:2 and go from there!
The dryer is calling... and I've just been given one more requirement for graduation. I need to write up a table of the elements. So I'm off!
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2 comments:
Wow Lexi! Great words! I can totally relate to the whole wanting a guy but not wanting to want one....it's rough but it's all part of the journey called life, eh? Thanks for sharing your heart! If you wanna check out my blog, it's http://www.nikkideneui.blogspot.com/ and though I haven't updated it in over a year, perhaps you may enjoy some of it. God bless!
Hello, I am you in the future :). Haha j/k, I just thought I'd write you 'cause I randomly found your blog and was surprised of how your thoughts are EXACTLY like mine when I had just finished high school, a few years ago (I'm 24 now). I even have 2 sisters too and had no dating experience, but I read every book about it and prayed a lot!
So first I would like to encourage you, before anyone tells you that the guy that you dream of doesn't exist, that you'd better settle for some random jerk, please DON'T believe it. You have to go where God leads you, so if you don't feel peace about it, if it doesn't feel right, PLEASE trust the Holy Spirit inside of you, 'cause He's speaking. Don't even give a 2nd thought about what people think - they're not the ones who'll have to put up the guy and then put up with the bad memories.
God really is faithfull, and today I'm married to literaly the man of my dreams (I actually dreamed of him before I met him), so I'm here to tell you, God does do miracles!! He's been hearing your prayers since you started them!! And He cares so much He won't just give you just a good thing, He'll give you what's BEST.
Don't beat yourself up though if you make a mistake (like I did), 'cause I ended up dating a few guys that made scars that took a while to be healed, but today I can say that I'm a much stronger and happier person than I've ever been. And since I'd always seek God when I was broken, NOTHING stood in the way of His plan for me, not even my weaknesses!!
Speaking of that, you know those insecurity attacks, that make you cry for no apparent reason? They'll go away. For the most part, at least. Everyone feels insecure or overwhelmed sometimes (remember that, EVERYONE, even the most secure looking person in the world), but trust me, you'll laugh at the things that scare you right now. You'll look back and not even recognize yourself, as you get more and more aware of how beautiful God made you.
I wrote a lot already, but just one more thing, waiting till 22 is not too long at all :)... I know it seems like it is, but time goes by SO incredibly fast. You'll make new friends, have so much fun, so many new experiences, grow so much, that you won't even see it go by. Just enjoy being who you are right now, which is pretty amazing. Let God do the rest.
Alright girlie, take care and I hope you didn't mind my enourmous post, but I just wanted to let you know how faithfull God is!!
Lots of love,
Anne
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